the voices in my head want out

who knew my mom was a screenwriter?

I am looking for an escape for a few hours. The heat, my house, one child in particular. So I am perusing Fandango for a movie. And there I see it: “Resident Evil: Retribution.” THIS is the explanation for the shitstorm that is raining down on my household. I have no idea what this movie is about, but judging by the title, my mother’s prayers from my teen years have come true. I hope that she negotiated residuals.

i may be back

I think that I am back. I wasn’t trying to leave for any particular reason, I simply got busy, had some big changes in my life (no, I’m not sporting a penis or anything that extreme, not that there’s anything wrong with that, although I do think it would be fun to stand and pee, but having a penis would definitely change the dynamics of my marriage in ways that I doubt my husband would appreciate) and I’ve wandered back. So now my mom can be excited because she can see what I am up to a bit more. I am sure that scares her a bit.

Whatevs. Happy day to you, sirs. I am off to my craft room to sew fabulous things, eat leftover candy from my daughter’s party, and watch cable movies. Yesterday it was “Crazy People.” Dudley Moore- love him. The movie is just so-so, but it’s worth watching just for the whole ad campaign. Honest ads. Although I loved the Jaguar ad, my personal favorite is this here Volvo one.

Because I drive a Volvo, and I am not trying to be sexy. I am trying to get kids somewhere safely so that some day they will live to see their sexy days. Because according to the head Kardashian, serving up sexy children to the public is what constitutes good parenting. While I was perusing the web for this super-duper image, I came across this ad and it made me laugh:

There are even more of these funny gems at this website: Check them out, because they will put a smile on your face.

Happy weekend to all!

thursday morning workout

Sweet Husband- I’d like to not still be a little pissed at you this morning, but I do believe it’s called muscle memory.

kevin miller, you may be in trouble…

So my lamps are done and I am quite happy with them. It turns out that what I liked about my lamps was their shape. And the fact that there were 2 of them. And that was about it. So I spray painted them and made some new shades with some scraps I had hanging around my craft room. I am using these lamps for decorations for Izzy’s upcoming 13th birthday party, so I made them to match with all the black, pink and cream that she picked as her color scheme. So what do you think, Kevin? I looked up our original bet, and you agreed to 10 “likes” gets you a punishment of my choice. Come on friends, don’t let me down!

my lamps, after

If anyone wants details on how I made these, let me know.

kevin miller doubts me

I’m not being very productive today. My sweet girl had 3 awesome friends spend the night and we are kinda dragging today. So I am cleaning up my craft room and sewing some of my quilt for my Monday sewing class. Nothing too exciting. But I do have this, which is rather exciting for me. I bought some lamps last year and they have been hanging out with the mice and spiders in my garage. I stalked them for a few weeks at Goodwill, until they were half price. Here they are:

my two lamps, before


Yes, I know they are ugly and not at all stalk-worthy. But there was just something about them. And plus, there were 2 of them! “Two! Two ugly lamps ha-ha-ha!” (said in the Count voice from Sesame Street) I recall reading somewhere that if you see a pair of lamps at a thrift store, then you should snap them up. So stalk and snap I did. And then I shunned them. Until now. They have undergone a transformation. I’m planning on posting hopefully later, because I am having some difficulty uploading pics from my husband’s computer. I posted the before pic on my Facebook a week or so ago and Kevin doubted that I could make these lamps any better. Watch out, Kevin Miller, watch out…

i need your advice (unless you are my mother-in-law)

I’ve been a homeschooling mom for 7 years. Next year both of my kiddos will attend school full time. I’m not used to all the meetings and things that are expected from parents. At home I only require that you brush your teeth and wear pants. So, if you would like to weigh in on how to proceed before tonight’s meeting, please dispense your wisdom. It will be greatly appreciated.

It is a good idea to have wine before registration at your kids’ new school if:

A. you only have one glass (sorry, that hilarious/useful glass that holds a full bottle doesn’t qualify)

B. you have a mint before you go

C. you drink enough to belligerent, ensuring you won’t end up on one of the lamer committees.

Don’t even get me started on what to wear. I simply plan on wearing pants and brushing my teeth.



What I say: “Sweetie, which do you like better?”

What I mean: “Sweetie, come keep me company while I work on this project. Your opinion is cute but meaningless. Do we have wine?”

it’s snot ok

I’m all about unconditional love. Until I hear you blow your nose in the shower. Then I simply hope you slip on your own mucus so I can laugh evilly and say “I told you that was gross AND dangerous.”

school brunch

Last night my son was making alternative weekend plans because his previous plans had fallen through. So he said he would text me during his school brunch.

me: Ok Sweetie, just keep me posted if I am picking up extra kids. And don’t text if you will get in trouble. Wait- brunch? Did you make the honor roll or something?

hudson: no- it’s just what they call the break we have after STAR testing. Mom- please don’t start another STAR testing rant.

me: so do they set out a buffet of mimosas and chocolate croissants and assorted cheeses?

hudson: no, it’s more like a bunch of kids eating flaming hot Cheetos and  drinking Monster drinks. And lots of saggy jeans. All things you hate. Please don’t show up.

me: you are right.

Hmm, brunch at public school. Just doesn’t seem right. And now I am craving champagne…


super power prayer

Dear God-

If you granted me the super power of occasional invisibility, I promise that I would not use it for evil. I would simply find the ability to walk undetected in public in my jammies quite useful.


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