i pray i’m alive when you grow up and have kids

Look away: if you think a mom bitching profanely about her children is ungodly

This has been a supremely sucky week. Really truly awful. No, no one has died. That I know personally. I’m not losing my house. Just my mind. And my dog has not run off. But since he has been groomed, he’s lost that comforting corn tortilla smell on the top of his head. And that is kinda sucky too. Although it has lessened my queso cravings signficantly.

I’ve spent a fair amount of time in my jammies, with unwashed hair, and staring at my ceiling fan. And not in the way my husband would prefer me to. More like staring at the dust that accumulates when no one is looking. Although I haven’t quite sunk to the level where I morph into the plaid that is on my couch. Bitch, please. If I actually had a plaid couch and it wasn’t in my country house, I’d just do myself in.

So I’ve been walking around wondering how I gave birth to the 2 most ungrateful people pushed out of a birth canal. I would say born, but I don’t want to steal anyone’s thunder that have given birth to some ungrateful C-section kids. And I am generally pissed at both of these  kids. For a number of reasons. All of which are super stupid. And to clarify- the actions are stupid, not the kids. Yeah- I know the kids aren’t selfish, stupid, or mean- their actions are. And by the same rational thinking- I am not being a bitch. My actions are simply bitchy. But two of them at this very moment are surely conspiring to make me mentally unhealthy.

Luckily the weekend is upon us. And it’s Friday during Lent. And I have this golden ticket:

i'm clearing out my purse to smuggle some of those cheese biscuits

Hey- I know it’s not a golden ticket. And it’s likely expired. But is gives me reason to scoop up one of the ungrateful (acting) ones, shove  him in the car, and drive him to Red Lobster before the rush for dinner. I spent many of my childhood Fridays at the Irving Red Lobster with the red booths. In fact, my husband had a business trip last week and took both sets of my grandparents there for dinner. What a damn gem he is. Poke fun if you want, but I find Red Lobster very comforting and Catholic. So it’s kinda like going to church. Yes, that does in fact make sense.

So whenever my twerpy (behaving) kids grow up and procreate some occasionally genetically equally twerpy (behaving)kids I hope the internet is still around. I will point them to this post and laugh evilly and display the tattoo that I plan on getting tattooed on their dad’s ass that says “payback’s a bitch.” So listen up kids: luckily your dad and I love each other enough to band together in anticipation of mocking you via our future hellion (acting) grandchildren. And we love you both enough too.  Now pass the popcorn shrimp and quit being so dang awful (behaving.)