if it weren’t for your cottony-softness…

This is the toilet paper I use:

probably ripped open by someone's teeth

I am not a brand snob. However, there are 3 brands I insist upon: Bounty paper towels, Cottonelle toilet paper, and Dr. Pepper. If you try to sneak another past me, you will be wiping your blood off the floor with sub par paper towels, and drinking Nurse Dynamite until the cows come home.

So I glanced at the packaging of the Cottonelle, as it sat on the stairs waiting for some desperate human to carry it upstairs. I saw the offer for the free toilet paper cover and it reminded me of the commercials that are currently running. I’m sure you’ve seen those ridiculous commercials with the new toilet paper covers, right? Where the wife calls the husband in to tell him that he forgot to “back it up.” That their TP is so precious that he needs to back up the back up, or something equally ridiculous? And then the dude walks off repeating the mantra, sipping his coffee.

Seriously, Cottonelle, you are killing me. Backup the backup roll?

In my mind, when the term back up plan is used in relation to toilet paper, it has never once occurred to me, dainty woman that I am, that I should be essentially hiding an extra roll of toilet paper. In a container that no one can see into. Back up plans as they are relate to toilet paper generally bring to mind Kleenex, paper towels, toilet seat covers, or anything of a fibrous nature that is within reach. In our bathrooms, we have toilet paper holders that hold 3 extra rolls that can be clearly seen into so that we don’t have to resort to extreme measures (i.e: the cardboard tube itself) in any instance.

If my life were mundane enough to nag my husband or even myself about backing up the backup roll, I would just kill myself. No, I would really probably kill myself if I worked on the marketing & advertising campaign that had to try to convince people that “backing up the backup” relates to toilet paper and not something that a politician would refer to as “not technically sex.”

There are debates and cartoons about convincing your bathroom partner to refill the toilet paper holder, and even to do it a particular way. And now Cottonelle wants us to add some nagging about refilling a holder? Seriously? And according to their commercials, the women do the nagging. Don’t we as humans have plenty to be concerned about without adding refilling a toilet paper holder that you can not even see into? This has got to be the stupidest idea ever in the history of butt-wiping fibers. Screw off, Cottonelle, if you think women are that piddly and ball-busting. This makes me mad enough to not wipe my ass with you. Almost.